Learning through play

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire." - W. B. Yeats

From their early days, children learn to develop and use their mental, moral and physical powers, which they acquire through various types of education. Education is commonly referred to as the process of learning and obtaining knowledge at school, in a form of formal education. However, the process of education does not only start when a child first attends kindergarten but at home. One does not only acquire knowledge from a teacher, one can learn and receive knowledge from a parent or care-giver.

Imparting education to your child is not merely teaching them their basic ABC’s but instilling in them the love for acquiring knowledge. You need to make it a form of maintaining or even engendering their interest in learning because then they will automatically become a lifelong learner.

"The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change." - Carl Rogers

Children need continuous stimulation and this can be done from a very young age. You need to create an atmosphere at home where learning is made fun. Here are a few simple steps on how you can enrich your child’s environment and make it a place for learning through play:

• Set the stage for enriching their inner self by first providing a steady source of positive emotional support – love, encouragement, warmth and care.
• Provide a nutritious diet with enough proteins, vitamins, minerals and calories. A diet low in proteins during the developmental stages of a child’s life can be detrimental to their development and they might not be able to flourish and respond to an enriched condition. A healthy body will have the energy to become involved.
• Make use of a range of activities/toys that stimulates all the senses, but not necessarily all at once. The more diverse the activities the better their chances of excelling overall.
• Get rid of all undue pressure and stress and replace it with a degree of praise and encouragement.
• Be aware of your facial expressions, eye contact and mood. Let them know that you enjoy watching them learn and are excited about their learning.
• Do not make it monotone, but present a series of challenges that are neither too easy nor too difficult for a child at their stage of development. If they complete the task then make sure you ‘celebrate’ and if they fail, console them and encourage them to try again. Never give up should be their motto!
• Wherever possible allow social interaction. This will help them develop their social skills and also expose them to different personalities & emotions.
• Let your child be in charge. Give them the opportunity to choose their activities.
• Teach your child and give them a chance to assess the results of their efforts and how to modify them. Allow them to be an active participant rather than a passive observer.
• Above all, make it an enjoyable atmosphere that promotes exploration and fun of learning.

In the process of participating in various activities your child with a little help will learn that they can exert control over their learning. When we make learning fun, they realise that they too have some responsibility in making learning fun!

Here is a list of some specific activities and games kids can play for making learning fun at home:

• Read interesting stories. Kids like stories about people or things that motivate them to learn (eg: dinosaurs, famous people, astronomy etc).
• Daily crossword puzzles to improve vocabulary and reading capabilities.
• Encouraging them to take up hobbies (eg: rock collecting, stamp collections, gardening, pets etc).
• Take them to planetariums and museums to engage their curiosity. Go hiking and exploring and teach them about nature and its inhabitants along the way.
• Encourage them to share your bliss by introducing them to activities that you enjoy doing personally – eg: sports. This illustrates the fun in learning by modelling it.
• Have thought provoking conversations on the dinner table and surprise your child by asking him what he thinks and encourage him to express himself and develop an opinion of his own.

They are what you make of them…

They are what you make of them…

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said,"No father has given a greater gift to his children than good moral training." (Tirmidhi)

Children are like sponges – eagerly taking in every drop of knowledge that comes their way. They soak up everything they see & hear & learn by watching and observing the adults around them. Modelling what they see is how they learn to grow into adults. They do not have inner instructions to go by and they must take it from the world - what they need to learn to survive in society.

Children learn what they live and we are modelling what their future behaviour will be. We can get an idea of what we are imparting to them by looking at their behaviour. If you notice any disruptive behaviour your child might have, look at your own behaviour in the house or where your child spends much of their time when away from home. If for example, when your child is faced with difficulties with siblings or peers, they yell and holler to resolve disputes then it is most likely that this type of behaviour is exhibited by their care takers when faced with similar situations. If you honour manners and courteous behaviour in your household, then you will see your child will do the same. This is more proof that our children are learning what they are living. They look to their environment and the people in it to build what they need to live. Look at who your child is and who he spends his time most with and you will figure out who to commend or who to reprimand for teaching your child what he has learned.

Our duty is to model to our children what we believe they need in the world. Once this is accomplished, the odds are they will follow your lead. They watch listen and follow so be certain your steps are leading in the right direction! If you merely offer lip-service and don’t do as you say, then your actions will speak volumes more than your words.

Having a role model is also an important aspect of a child’s life. They can either be the parents, grand-parents, or sometimes people they do not know personally. Role models can be powerful influences in their lives. They teach them many things. They help them learn who they are, where they come from and where they’re going. Children can copy the behaviour/way of life, and follow the things they say and do. Good role models teach good behaviours and values of living…the right from wrong and how to treat people and things around them.

In my opinion, the best role model a child could ever ask for is the Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon Him). It is incumbent upon each and every believer to obey and follow the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) if they hope for paradise and the pleasure of Allah (swt). He was sent by Allah (swt) as a mercy to all of mankind, to guide them from the darkness of Jahiliyyah to the light of Islam – through the instructions, teachings and practice of the Qur’an and Sunnah. He was sent as a teacher – a role model – for all of mankind. He is the source of guidance and the most reliable, trusted and loved. The Prophet (PBUH) had the best personality, characteristics and morals. His daily life was a living illustration and explanation of the Qur’an. He did and said everything in accordance to the teachings of the Qur’an and his life is the reflection of the Shariah of Allah. He maintained the best characteristics in his roles as a father, husband, friend, ruler, governor, teacher, statesman, protector of the weak, widows and poor, a guide to the rich, a guardian to the orphans and above all a servant to Allah (swt). No one can every equal the Prophet (PBUH) in the whole history of mankind. He stands head and shoulders above all other human beings in nobility of his character and piety of his soul.

If we inculcate the love for the Prophet (PBUH) in the hearts of our little ones and encourage them to strive to be like him, then nothing will come between them and Paradise and they will surely excel both in this life and the hereafter. Insha Allah!

Nurturing a Parent-Child Relationship and types of Parent-Child Relationships

The following article is not solely written by me but is a summary of various articles I have read on the topic. When reading about things pertaining to child rearing I tend to take ‘notes’ and this is one of them.

Nurturing a Parent-Child Relationship and types of Parent-Child Relationships

While exploring the field of the ‘perfect’ parent-child relationship I came to realize that there really isn’t a clear set of rules that can be laid down in order to strike gold but it’s a cocktail of things that increases your chances of being ‘different’ and maintain a strong bond of togetherness and closeness over the years to come.

The type of relationship you have with your child from the time he is an infant plays a vital role in shaping his future and how he is going to be with people around him and with his family when he is older. What you have experienced over the years as a child is what you will impart to your child and if you intend on doing things differently then you need to put in that extra effort in order to break the cycle. Times change and so do parenting techniques. But there are certain fundamentals that remain intact and play a vital role in shaping a child’s future.

Let’s begin by first summarizing the different types of relationships/attachment a parent can have with a child and the characteristics of a child who is in that particular type of relationship. This will enable us to place ourselves in either one of the categories and can be a starting point for making a change if need be.

From an early age, the way a parent responds to his child’s needs leads to one of the four types of attachment categories. The strongest kind of attachment is called “secure”. In a secure relationship the child feels he can depend solely on his parents for his needs and expects to be supported and tended to. The child learns to be confident and independent. Adults can work towards developing this relationship by:

• Being consistent while responding to their needs
• Responding in a loving/caring manner when the child cries
• Offer support and consolation when the child is afraid and help them overcome their fears.
• Share in their feelings of excitement and accomplishment & making them feel worthwhile.

Advantages:

• The child feels safe exploring the world
• Does not always want to be right next to the care-giver
• Knows that she can always return to the parent when she needs to

The next type of attachment is “avoidant”. Children belonging to this kind of parenting relationship have learned that depending on their parent for their needs won’t get them the secure feeling they yearn for and hence in the process learn to look after themselves. These children can appear to be overly independent. The following parenting behavior leads to this type of relationship:

• Not responding immediately to their needs
• Letting the child deal with their fears and insecurities and not offering support on a regular basis.
• Not expressing happiness/excitement when the child exhibits the same and instead ignoring or brushing away as childish behavior

Drawbacks:

• The child hesitates in asking for help and gets frustrated easily.
• Can be aggressive at times
• Fail to build strong relationships with their parents and loved ones
• Try to care for themselves almost all the time.

The third type of attachment is called “ambivalent”. Children belonging to this kind of parenting relationship have learned that sometimes their needs are met while other times they are not. They notice what gets their parents attention and tend to use it over and over, always in search of that secure feeling that they get from time to time. The following type of parenting behavior leads to this kind of relationship:

• Being inconsistent while responding to their needs.
• When a child expresses fear, it is sometimes ignored whereas other times they are overly comforted.
• When the child is excited they do not understand the child’s excitement or do not respond in an appropriate manner.

Drawbacks:

• Child becomes very clingy
• Tend to act younger than they are and are over-emotional
• Often cry, get frustrated easily and love being the centre of attention
• Have a hard time being independent and get upset if not given attention
• Seem to latch on to everyone for short periods of time

The fourth type of attachment is called “disorganized”. Children belonging to this kind of parenting relationship do not know what to expect from their parents. This means that they have all learned ways of getting what they want, and it may not necessarily be the best way. This is because the child has learned to sometimes predict his parents’ reaction – whether negative or positive and is aware of responses that can be expected by certain types of behavior. The following type of parenting behavior leads to this kind of relationship:

• Parents rarely respond to their needs, especially when the child is an infant.
• If the parent does respond, it usually doesn’t fit
• Prevalent in families where there is some kind of maltreatment or neglect
• Is also common among families where any one or both the parents are suffering depression.

Drawbacks:

• Child often does things that make no sense.
• Speaks really fast and is hard to understand.
• Have a hard time showing empathy towards others
• Seem different from day to day.

Disorganized attachment can be of two types:

1. Controlling – were the child tends to be extremely bossy
2. Care-giving – treats others in a childish way – acting like a parent.

Having pointed out the basic differences in types of parent-child relationships it’s important to mention that every child is unique and different. They can have varying interests, needs and behaviors. These dissimilarities make different treatment appropriate on some occasions. Lastly, the quality of a parent child relationship appears to be much more affected by the child’s perception rather than the parent’s opinion.

Building self-esteem in your child

A very informative article. I benefited heaps from reading it and it helped me change a lot of my parenting techniques. Needless to say, I have seen an improvement and I am glad that I came across this article sooner than later. Sometimes we tend to do things a certain way which seems right to us but little do we realise the damage we are causing which doesn't become apparent until it's too late. So gentle reminders such as these from time to time can help us stay focused and keep us on track.

Building self-esteem in your child

A feeling of self-worth lays the foundation for your child's future as he sets out to try new things on his own. "Self-esteem comes from having a sense of belonging, believing that we're capable, and knowing our contributions are valued and worthwhile," says California family therapist
Jane Nelsen.

"As any parent knows, self-esteem is a fleeting experience," says Nelsen. "Sometimes we feel good about ourselves and sometimes we don't. What we are really trying to teach our kids are life skills like resiliency." Your goal as a parent is to ensure that your child develops pride and self-respect — in himself and in his cultural roots — as well as faith in his ability to handle life's challenges.

Here are ten simple strategies to help boost your child's self-esteem:

• Give unconditional love - A child's self-esteem flourishes with the kind of no-strings-attached devotion that says, "I love you, no matter who you are or what you do." Your child benefits the most when you accept him for who he is regardless of his strengths, difficulties, temperament, or abilities. So, lavish him with love. When you do have to correct your child, make it clear that it's his *behavior *— not him — that's unacceptable. Label the behavior, NOT the child!
• Pay attention- Carve out time to give your child your undivided attention. That does wonders for your child's feelings of self-worth because it sends the message that you think he's important and valuable. Make eye contact so it's clear that you're really listening to what he's saying.
• Teach limits - Establish a few reasonable rules for your child. Knowing that certain family rules are set in stone will help him feel more secure. Just be clear and consistent and show him that you trust him and expect him to do the right thing.
• Support healthy risks -Encourage your child to explore something new. Let your child safely experiment, and resist the urge to intervene. You'll build his self-esteem by balancing your need to protect him with his need to tackle new tasks.
• Let mistakes happen - The flip side, of course, of having choices and taking risks is that sometimes your child is bound to make mistakes. Acknowledging and recovering from your mistakes sends a powerful message to your child— it makes it easier for your child to accept his own difficulties.
• Celebrate the positive - Everyone responds well to encouragement, so make an effort to acknowledge the good things your child does every day within his earshot. Be specific, for eg: Instead of saying "Good job," say, "Thank you for setting the table for dinner." This will enhance his sense of accomplishment and self-worth and let him know exactly what he did right.
• Listen well - If your child needs to talk, stop and listen to what he has to say. He needs to know that his thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions matter. By accepting his emotions without judgment, you validate his feelings and show that you value what he has to say.
• Resist comparisons - Comments such as "Why can't you be more like your brother?" or "Why can't you be nice like Evan?" will just remind your child of where he struggles in a way that fosters shame, envy, and competition. Even positive comparisons, such as "You're the best player" are potentially damaging because a child can find it hard to live up to this image. If you let your child know that you appreciate him for the unique individual he is, he'll be more likely to value himself too.
• Offer empathy - If your child compares himself unfavorably to his siblings or peers show him empathy and then emphasize one of his strengths. This can help your child learn that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and that he doesn't have to be perfect to feel good about himself.
• Provide encouragement- Encouragement means acknowledging progress — not just rewarding achievement. So if your child is struggling with a math problem, say: "You're trying very hard and you almost have it!" instead of "Not like that. Let me do it."

There's a difference between praise and encouragement. One rewards the task while the other rewards the person. Praise can make a child feel that he's only "good" if he does something perfectly. Encouragement, on the other hand, acknowledges the effort. Too much praise can sap self-esteem because it can create pressure to perform and set up a continual need for approval from others. So dole out the praise judiciously and offer encouragement liberally; it will help your child grow up to feel good about himself.