Reflections...

At one of the Al-Kauthar courses I recently attended the Sheikh mentioned that Allah has given us knowledge about the lives of the Prophets and Messengers of the past for a reason. We're not meant to just read it as a bedtime story to entertain ourselves but instead need to extract possible wisdoms and lessons from it. We need to use their life experiences to enhance our own. The more you read and ponder the more you will learn. Knowledge is a bottomless pit, you can never fill it to the brim.

We all know that Allah created mankind from clay. Ibn Katheer in his book (Stories of the Prophets) says:

"Allah choose clay which has the qualities of calmness, clemency, perseverance and growth."

The possible wisdom I extract from this piece of information is pretty apparent. Allah gave us freedom of will to the extent that we can refuse Allah's command. He grants us the freedom of denial, disobedience, and even disagreement with Him. His Kindgom will not diminish if the disbelievers do not believe in Him nor will it be extended if many people believe in Him. The disbelievers will lose and the believers will gain but Allah is above all of that. By choosing to reflect the qualities of clay in our demeanor we will be able to attain success both in worldly affairs and in matters concerning our deen.

Ibn Katheer also says:

"Allah created Iblis from fire which has the qualities of heedlessness, insignificance, haste and incineration. "

Iblis is arrogant, vain, disobedient and an outcast. He has been humiliated and disgraced and yet he is cunning and shows ingratitude. He is our eternal enemy. Man is hasty. When Allah blew the soul into Adam (AS) and he felt the pangs of hunger in his abdomen, he sprinted towards the fruits of paradise even before the soul had reached his legs. This is how we have been created. But that doesn't mean we do not have the will to persevere to change this within us. By succumbing to the whispering of Iblis we become nothing but reflections of him.

Everyone bears the consequences of their deeds. Allah knows the outcome of events before it happens but he does not force things to happen. He has granted free will to mankind and it's up to us whether we want to obey Allah and work towards attaining paradise or disobey Allah and become dwellers of the hellfire, like Shaitaan.

The choice is ours.

Never say Never

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it. - Michael Jordan

As a school aged child I was often encouraged by my dear mother to strive hard and achieve my goals. No matter how tough a situation might seem, stubborn persistence and faith in Allah and in myself would get me through and the sweetness of success was well worth the effort. We had a motto – “Never say never. You can and you will” and when ever I would stumble and needed motivation I’d repeat it in my head until it made me confident and gave me renewed energy to complete the task at hand.

Now being a mother myself, I realise the impact this has had in my life and I am ever thankful to my mom for guiding me through and being the strong pillar of support at times when I needed her most. I must admit though that after having children I’ve let myself take a back seat and have put off many times what I want to do with my life but now I realise that if I want my children to succeed I need to show them how and the only way I can do that is by chasing my dreams and succeeding myself. Only then will I be able to arm them with the ammunition they require to excel in both this life and the next.

There are some simple rules I follow to help my children believe in themselves and stop them from being a quitter. I feel that this form of encouragement and support from the parents and caregivers should be practiced from a young impressionable age. Every task they embark upon should be taken as a challenge and they must endeavour to be successful. There are surely going to be times when they might fail, but ceaseless efforts will eventually make them a winner. As the saying goes,” A winner never quits and a quitter never wins.” Embedding in them the qualities of a winner and giving them the power to hold on despite the most adverse circumstances will help them easily overcome their obstacles and obtain desired results.

This holds true in matters both concerning this life and the next. Our ultimate goal is Jannah, and to attain the highest level of Jannah we need to put ourselves to the test and strive to be the best of Allah’s slaves. By incorporating qualities of a true winner such as optimism, determination, confidence, patience and above all faith in Allah (swt) we can be assured that we will be where we want to be, InshaAllah.

Life will often present to us situations that will throw us off track and make us feel like we cannot go on but at the end of the day what matters most is not what happens to us but how we react to it. Accepting change as a challenge will help lift our spirits and make life smooth sailing. There will be times when will be required to pick ourselves up, dust off and get back in the race and those who manage to achieve this are the true achievers.

I too have some goals I want to achieve and after procrastinating for the past few years I’ve realised that if I want something badly, I cannot expect it to come to my doorstep. I need to strive towards it and I know deep down that I do have the capabilities of accomplishing my goals. It’s only a matter of believing in my self and letting go of my comfort zone and stepping out in the open and tackling my fears head on.

This is a reminder for me more than anything else to go back to being a fighter. I can, I will and I have to…

75 Ways to Encourage Children

A Hug a Day Keep the Blues Away

We need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 hugs a day for maintenance & 12 hugs a day for growth. - Virginia Satir, Family Therapist.

When was the last time you exchanged a hug with someone? Do you remember the feeling of immense love and contentment you feel when you’re hugged? Does it make you feel special and wanted?

There is a difference between ‘social hugging’; where you paste an artificial smile on your face and exchange some quick hugs and pecks on the cheek, and therapeutic hugging. Therapeutic hugging is meant to be healing. Reaching out and touching someone and holding them tight is simply a natural way of saying you care. When you’re embraced, you feel all your worries melt away and you want live the moment and take it all in. The warmth radiating from the embrace engulfing you is enough to reinforce the positive energy around you and lift you up.

From the time a foetus is in its mother’s womb he is exposed to the healing powers of ‘touch’. Our skin being a ‘sensory’ organ, responds to tender loving care. The amniotic fluid forms a secure abode for the child when he is growing inside the womb and provides constant stimulation to every inch of its tiny body, forming the origin of the yearning for touch for the rest of our lives. As a newborn, a baby recognises its parents initially by touch.

As our children grow up, we tend to start taking them for granted and expect them to just ‘know’ that we care. But what we don’t realise is that even as adults we often crave for some physical touch and expression of love. So kids aren’t any different, and at an age where they are still learning right from wrong and discovering new things everyday they need the reassurance and security of unconditional love. It can also boost their self esteem.

A hug is a great gift – it’s inexpensive, one size fits all, and it's easy to exchange. Sometimes it's better to put love into hugs than to put it into words. So take this as a reminder and try to be more generous with your hugs!

Lemonade from Lemons

We all would agree that sometimes when things don’t go as planned we tend to get disappointed and harp on negative thoughts in our mind. This makes us spiral out of control and might lead to immense frustration and emotional distress. I’ve come across various situations in the past when something didn’t quite turn out as I expected it to and I found myself being dragged down by my feelings and couldn’t really get a hold of myself. Life moves on, and I’ve realized that it’s no use fretting over something that didn’t happen. After all, Allah is the best of planners, and He alone knows what is good for us and what is not.

Here’s a simple exercise we can follow to help us spot the silver lining:

Avoid entering a situation ‘looking’ for the negative, because when you seek the negative, you often find it more than not. Stop negative thoughts in their tracks. If you give attention to negative thoughts, they will get stronger and stronger. What seems like a small matter in the beginning may become monstrous at the end.

What you should do is break the vicious cycle by shifting your focus to something positive. Sometimes, the positive may not be easy to see right off the bat, but if you look deep enough it is there. You can then reinforce this positive attention until you completely defeat the negative thoughts.

If something is bothering you, find the main cause of the problem and learn to deal with it with positive thoughts and self-encouragement. Nothing is too big a task to accomplish. Once you’ve overcome your fears, the sense of achievement you feel is much greater and worthwhile than the sense of regret and remorse you would feel if you gave in and let yourself be pulled down into negative vibrations.

They are what you make of them…

They are what you make of them…

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said,"No father has given a greater gift to his children than good moral training." (Tirmidhi)

Children are like sponges – eagerly taking in every drop of knowledge that comes their way. They soak up everything they see & hear & learn by watching and observing the adults around them. Modelling what they see is how they learn to grow into adults. They do not have inner instructions to go by and they must take it from the world - what they need to learn to survive in society.

Children learn what they live and we are modelling what their future behaviour will be. We can get an idea of what we are imparting to them by looking at their behaviour. If you notice any disruptive behaviour your child might have, look at your own behaviour in the house or where your child spends much of their time when away from home. If for example, when your child is faced with difficulties with siblings or peers, they yell and holler to resolve disputes then it is most likely that this type of behaviour is exhibited by their care takers when faced with similar situations. If you honour manners and courteous behaviour in your household, then you will see your child will do the same. This is more proof that our children are learning what they are living. They look to their environment and the people in it to build what they need to live. Look at who your child is and who he spends his time most with and you will figure out who to commend or who to reprimand for teaching your child what he has learned.

Our duty is to model to our children what we believe they need in the world. Once this is accomplished, the odds are they will follow your lead. They watch listen and follow so be certain your steps are leading in the right direction! If you merely offer lip-service and don’t do as you say, then your actions will speak volumes more than your words.

Having a role model is also an important aspect of a child’s life. They can either be the parents, grand-parents, or sometimes people they do not know personally. Role models can be powerful influences in their lives. They teach them many things. They help them learn who they are, where they come from and where they’re going. Children can copy the behaviour/way of life, and follow the things they say and do. Good role models teach good behaviours and values of living…the right from wrong and how to treat people and things around them.

In my opinion, the best role model a child could ever ask for is the Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon Him). It is incumbent upon each and every believer to obey and follow the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) if they hope for paradise and the pleasure of Allah (swt). He was sent by Allah (swt) as a mercy to all of mankind, to guide them from the darkness of Jahiliyyah to the light of Islam – through the instructions, teachings and practice of the Qur’an and Sunnah. He was sent as a teacher – a role model – for all of mankind. He is the source of guidance and the most reliable, trusted and loved. The Prophet (PBUH) had the best personality, characteristics and morals. His daily life was a living illustration and explanation of the Qur’an. He did and said everything in accordance to the teachings of the Qur’an and his life is the reflection of the Shariah of Allah. He maintained the best characteristics in his roles as a father, husband, friend, ruler, governor, teacher, statesman, protector of the weak, widows and poor, a guide to the rich, a guardian to the orphans and above all a servant to Allah (swt). No one can every equal the Prophet (PBUH) in the whole history of mankind. He stands head and shoulders above all other human beings in nobility of his character and piety of his soul.

If we inculcate the love for the Prophet (PBUH) in the hearts of our little ones and encourage them to strive to be like him, then nothing will come between them and Paradise and they will surely excel both in this life and the hereafter. Insha Allah!

Nurturing a Parent-Child Relationship and types of Parent-Child Relationships

The following article is not solely written by me but is a summary of various articles I have read on the topic. When reading about things pertaining to child rearing I tend to take ‘notes’ and this is one of them.

Nurturing a Parent-Child Relationship and types of Parent-Child Relationships

While exploring the field of the ‘perfect’ parent-child relationship I came to realize that there really isn’t a clear set of rules that can be laid down in order to strike gold but it’s a cocktail of things that increases your chances of being ‘different’ and maintain a strong bond of togetherness and closeness over the years to come.

The type of relationship you have with your child from the time he is an infant plays a vital role in shaping his future and how he is going to be with people around him and with his family when he is older. What you have experienced over the years as a child is what you will impart to your child and if you intend on doing things differently then you need to put in that extra effort in order to break the cycle. Times change and so do parenting techniques. But there are certain fundamentals that remain intact and play a vital role in shaping a child’s future.

Let’s begin by first summarizing the different types of relationships/attachment a parent can have with a child and the characteristics of a child who is in that particular type of relationship. This will enable us to place ourselves in either one of the categories and can be a starting point for making a change if need be.

From an early age, the way a parent responds to his child’s needs leads to one of the four types of attachment categories. The strongest kind of attachment is called “secure”. In a secure relationship the child feels he can depend solely on his parents for his needs and expects to be supported and tended to. The child learns to be confident and independent. Adults can work towards developing this relationship by:

• Being consistent while responding to their needs
• Responding in a loving/caring manner when the child cries
• Offer support and consolation when the child is afraid and help them overcome their fears.
• Share in their feelings of excitement and accomplishment & making them feel worthwhile.

Advantages:

• The child feels safe exploring the world
• Does not always want to be right next to the care-giver
• Knows that she can always return to the parent when she needs to

The next type of attachment is “avoidant”. Children belonging to this kind of parenting relationship have learned that depending on their parent for their needs won’t get them the secure feeling they yearn for and hence in the process learn to look after themselves. These children can appear to be overly independent. The following parenting behavior leads to this type of relationship:

• Not responding immediately to their needs
• Letting the child deal with their fears and insecurities and not offering support on a regular basis.
• Not expressing happiness/excitement when the child exhibits the same and instead ignoring or brushing away as childish behavior

Drawbacks:

• The child hesitates in asking for help and gets frustrated easily.
• Can be aggressive at times
• Fail to build strong relationships with their parents and loved ones
• Try to care for themselves almost all the time.

The third type of attachment is called “ambivalent”. Children belonging to this kind of parenting relationship have learned that sometimes their needs are met while other times they are not. They notice what gets their parents attention and tend to use it over and over, always in search of that secure feeling that they get from time to time. The following type of parenting behavior leads to this kind of relationship:

• Being inconsistent while responding to their needs.
• When a child expresses fear, it is sometimes ignored whereas other times they are overly comforted.
• When the child is excited they do not understand the child’s excitement or do not respond in an appropriate manner.

Drawbacks:

• Child becomes very clingy
• Tend to act younger than they are and are over-emotional
• Often cry, get frustrated easily and love being the centre of attention
• Have a hard time being independent and get upset if not given attention
• Seem to latch on to everyone for short periods of time

The fourth type of attachment is called “disorganized”. Children belonging to this kind of parenting relationship do not know what to expect from their parents. This means that they have all learned ways of getting what they want, and it may not necessarily be the best way. This is because the child has learned to sometimes predict his parents’ reaction – whether negative or positive and is aware of responses that can be expected by certain types of behavior. The following type of parenting behavior leads to this kind of relationship:

• Parents rarely respond to their needs, especially when the child is an infant.
• If the parent does respond, it usually doesn’t fit
• Prevalent in families where there is some kind of maltreatment or neglect
• Is also common among families where any one or both the parents are suffering depression.

Drawbacks:

• Child often does things that make no sense.
• Speaks really fast and is hard to understand.
• Have a hard time showing empathy towards others
• Seem different from day to day.

Disorganized attachment can be of two types:

1. Controlling – were the child tends to be extremely bossy
2. Care-giving – treats others in a childish way – acting like a parent.

Having pointed out the basic differences in types of parent-child relationships it’s important to mention that every child is unique and different. They can have varying interests, needs and behaviors. These dissimilarities make different treatment appropriate on some occasions. Lastly, the quality of a parent child relationship appears to be much more affected by the child’s perception rather than the parent’s opinion.

Self-Esteem

So what is self-esteem? And how important is it in a persons life? Is it OK to occasionally feel down and think negative about yourself or is that a sign of low self-esteem? What can you do to improve your self-esteem?

Self-esteem is all about how you see yourself as a person.

It's not about telling yourself and others about how good you are or trying to prove yourself by putting other people down. It's not about putting yourself down and feeling that you are no good.

Most people have times when they feel bad about themselves, but that's the time to start the positive thinking going and to work out how to learn from mistakes and be happy about the good things that are still happening in their lives.

People who have high self-esteem are not only happy in themselves but are fun to be around, have friends, can be trusted, are full of life and care about themselves and others.

So talk yourself into inviting high self-esteem into your life.

Here's an excerpt I found quite informative that sums it up nicely:

Creating a secure base

The California Task Force to Promote Self-Esteem and Personal and Social Responsibility found that families have a strong influence on self-esteem, and the early years are especially important in creating a strong foundation for self-esteem. They also found that school climate and achievement at school play important roles, and that high self-esteem leads to less teenage pregnancy and personally harmful behaviours.

Along with other researchers, the task force noted that strategies for building self-esteem need to be related to real activities, attributes and achievements rather than centring on self-esteem as the goal—praise and encouragement needs to be meaningful to be effective.

They conclude that:

'Writers and researchers show general although by no means complete agreement on the preconditions necessary for someone to demonstrate high self-esteem. Among the commonly used terms are: security, connectedness, uniqueness, assertiveness, competence and spirituality.'

All of these attributes come initially from a child's home but can also be encouraged by carers in the different settings of child care, preschool, school etc.

Security and connectedness come from knowing that there is someone who is a 'safe base'; someone who can be relied on for warmth, support, comfort and help. It is important for very young children, who don't understand concepts such as time and separation, for there to be one or more people they know they can depend on to be there for them.

Useful Weblinks: Parenting & Child Health - Self Esteem, ReachOut

Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

On the topic of making your child tough enough to face the wild winds of life, I've always been intrigued by the topic of emotional intelligence. It's not only something we need to pay attention to while raising children but also for ourselves. It's never too late to make ammends, and life is always going to be a learning curve for us all. EQ may prove to be the most valuable form of intelligence your child masters in this lifetime. When I looked at this particular aspect of my childs growth, it opened many doors for us and strengthened her abilities to deal with obstacles.

Here's something I found:

'Emotional Intelligence' this new buzzword was coined by Yale psychologists Peter Salovey and the University of New Hampshire's John Mayer to describe qualities like understanding one's own emotions, empathy for the feelings of others, and managing one's emotions. In addition to grade point average, IQ, and other standardized testing, emotional intelligence (EQ) is being described as a new and better way of measuring an individual's chance of success in life. The higher your EQ, the greater your ability to manage your feelings and deal effectively with others, the greater your chances are for a happier life.

How Can You Improve Your EQ?

1.Take responsibility for your emotions and your happiness.

2. Examine your own feelings rather than the actions or motives of other people.

3. Develop constructive coping skills for specific moods. Learn
to relax when your emotions are running high and to get up and move when you are feeling down.

4. Make hunting for the silver lining a game. Look for the
humor or life lesson in a negative situation.

5. Be honest with yourself. Acknowledge your negative feelings, look for their source, and come up with a way to solve the underlying problem.

6. Show respect by respecting other people's feelings.

7. Avoid people who invalidate you or don't respect your
feelings.

8. Listen twice as much as you speak.

9. Pay attention to non-verbal communication. We communicate with our whole selves. Watch faces, listen to tone of voice, and take note of body language.

10. Realize that improving your EQ will take time and patience.

Copyright (c) 1999 by Edel Jarboe. All Rights Reserved.

Emotional Intelligence For Children

How do we identify Emotional Intelligence
One of the simple tests administered to young children involves postponing fulfillment in order to receive a bigger reward. The researcher puts a marshmallow on the table and tells the child he can either eat it now or wait until the researcher comes back with a second marshmallow, then eat both. A child who is able to control bodily appetites long enough to earn the bigger reward is considered to be more emotionally intelligent.

If you would like to exercise your child's EQ, here are some ideas you may want to try.

• Practice Start/Stop games. For example, "Let's run to the corner, but listen carefully to me... Start! Stop!" Games such as these (Red Light / Green Light is a classic example) allow a child to practice exerting control over his whole body.

• The next step is to institute the "Freeze" command as part of your daily interaction. The trick with the "Freeze" command is to use it just as much for fun as for work. Say "Freeze" then kiss your child. Say "Freeze" then give him a treat. The "Freeze" game work when it's used for positive rewards just as much as it's used as a tool.

• Teach your child to recognize what he wants. One of the key aspects of emotional intelligence is identifying feelings, needs, wants, etc. Say often, "What are you feeling?" and model it too. Instead of directly scolding your child, say, "I'm so angry right now!" Name the emotions, whatever they may be, and encourage your child to do the same. Practice stating what you really want and encourage your child to do the same. Try to discuss things casually and extensively so you can find out what your child really wants.

• Practice patience. This is a skill that needs to be done slowly, consistently, over a long period of time. Every now and then, when your child is in a good mood and can handle it, practice patience. For example, if your in line at a store, tell your child, "Hey, let's practice patience" or "Let's flex our patience muscles. Wow, you're getting strong!" Name the skill. Talk about what it means, how patience can be "short" or "long", how sometimes patience can be "used up". Talk about ways to develop patience and give examples: earning a toy slowly over a period of days or weeks, waiting to play with a friend, saving up money for college and other examples that may have meaning for your child.

How does reading improve emotional intelligence?

Early reading experiences can pave the way for children to learn to cope with emotions and to develop skill in interpersonal relationships. That foundation will aid them in succeeding in school and work later in life.

• Books expose children to a variety of people, attitudes and experiences that mirror real life. They help them understand what others think and feel and do every day. In learning to identify the emotions of characters in stories, they begin to understand their own feelings and the emotions of others as well.

• Reading gives children words with which to express themselves. Children who can state what they feel are less inclined to act out, become depressed, or express their feelings through bodily symptoms such as headaches and stomach aches.

• Stories often show positive and negative behaviors, conflicts, dilemmas and the resolution of problems in relationships. They give children strategies to work out similar issues in their own lives.

• Books can inspire and teach by example. Stories of famous people and heroes can illustrate positive qualities such as perseverance, hard work, and determination to overcome obstacles. Having a role model often motivates children to set goals and succeed at achieving them.