Book Review

Book Review

Fix it Duck – By Jez Alborough (Ages 3 & up)

This is a short, rhyming story which would make an excellent read-aloud for younger kids. The illustrations are exuberant and whimsical, with enough attention to detail to reward repeat reading.

Duck is sitting in his living room on a rainy day when a drop of water drips into his tea cup. He immediately launches into “Fix-it-duck” mode setting out to repair the roof. But he doesn’t have a ladder so he sets out to borrow one from his friend, Sheep. Sheep mentions that the window in his own roof leaks and “Fix-it-duck” is on the job again...

The Reader rapidly figures out that “Fix-it-duck”, while well-intentioned, is an uncoordinated and accident-prone menace. He combines guileless ego and an over-reaching confidence and a breezy facility & wreaks havoc as a self-appointed handyman. But the thing about Duck is that he never gives up when things don’t go as planned.

This book is an excellent aid in engaging in thought provoking conversations. Can teach values such as ‘never give up’, ‘think twice before you act’, ‘be proactive’ etc.

This has been a very welcome addition to our home library.

Book Review

Book Review

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? - By Bill Martin, Jr.

With more than two million copies sold, ‘Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?’ has opened up a world of learning to a generation of children. This book doesn’t have a story per se, but it seems to be just right for the child who is beginning to discover the larger world.

Even though the recommended reader age is 2-5, my daughter has enjoyed this book from a very young age. In no time she was able to repeat with me and memorized it word to word. It is one of our family favourites.

This is a book that grows with the child and will continue to be enjoyable. At first, the repetition of words and the rhythm and colourful illustrations is fun for young ones. Then they enjoy recognizing the colours & animals. It can also be used to incorporate interactive reading by making animal sounds as you read and also identifying body parts.

This book passes the test of being read over and over and is a fun learning tool. It begs to be chanted by parents who will be reading it for the umpteenth time. I highly recommend this delightful book.

Learning through play

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire." - W. B. Yeats

From their early days, children learn to develop and use their mental, moral and physical powers, which they acquire through various types of education. Education is commonly referred to as the process of learning and obtaining knowledge at school, in a form of formal education. However, the process of education does not only start when a child first attends kindergarten but at home. One does not only acquire knowledge from a teacher, one can learn and receive knowledge from a parent or care-giver.

Imparting education to your child is not merely teaching them their basic ABC’s but instilling in them the love for acquiring knowledge. You need to make it a form of maintaining or even engendering their interest in learning because then they will automatically become a lifelong learner.

"The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change." - Carl Rogers

Children need continuous stimulation and this can be done from a very young age. You need to create an atmosphere at home where learning is made fun. Here are a few simple steps on how you can enrich your child’s environment and make it a place for learning through play:

• Set the stage for enriching their inner self by first providing a steady source of positive emotional support – love, encouragement, warmth and care.
• Provide a nutritious diet with enough proteins, vitamins, minerals and calories. A diet low in proteins during the developmental stages of a child’s life can be detrimental to their development and they might not be able to flourish and respond to an enriched condition. A healthy body will have the energy to become involved.
• Make use of a range of activities/toys that stimulates all the senses, but not necessarily all at once. The more diverse the activities the better their chances of excelling overall.
• Get rid of all undue pressure and stress and replace it with a degree of praise and encouragement.
• Be aware of your facial expressions, eye contact and mood. Let them know that you enjoy watching them learn and are excited about their learning.
• Do not make it monotone, but present a series of challenges that are neither too easy nor too difficult for a child at their stage of development. If they complete the task then make sure you ‘celebrate’ and if they fail, console them and encourage them to try again. Never give up should be their motto!
• Wherever possible allow social interaction. This will help them develop their social skills and also expose them to different personalities & emotions.
• Let your child be in charge. Give them the opportunity to choose their activities.
• Teach your child and give them a chance to assess the results of their efforts and how to modify them. Allow them to be an active participant rather than a passive observer.
• Above all, make it an enjoyable atmosphere that promotes exploration and fun of learning.

In the process of participating in various activities your child with a little help will learn that they can exert control over their learning. When we make learning fun, they realise that they too have some responsibility in making learning fun!

Here is a list of some specific activities and games kids can play for making learning fun at home:

• Read interesting stories. Kids like stories about people or things that motivate them to learn (eg: dinosaurs, famous people, astronomy etc).
• Daily crossword puzzles to improve vocabulary and reading capabilities.
• Encouraging them to take up hobbies (eg: rock collecting, stamp collections, gardening, pets etc).
• Take them to planetariums and museums to engage their curiosity. Go hiking and exploring and teach them about nature and its inhabitants along the way.
• Encourage them to share your bliss by introducing them to activities that you enjoy doing personally – eg: sports. This illustrates the fun in learning by modelling it.
• Have thought provoking conversations on the dinner table and surprise your child by asking him what he thinks and encourage him to express himself and develop an opinion of his own.

Teaching your child the 5 Pillars of Islam

Ask your child what the word community means (a group of people who live together, work together, or have the same interests and hobbies, and do things together). Explain that he/she belong to a community - their school.

Similarly, explain that some communities do certain things together to keep the community together, and to give everyone a sense of being in that community. Ask the children what things they do together, to create a sense of community in the school (assemblies, uniform, lunch together, same timetable etc).

Now, explain that people of different religions do certain things to create a strong sense of community, even though they may have never met, and live in different places around the world.

Muslims have five duties which are called the Five Pillars of Islam. Every Muslim tries to carry out these five things, and it helps them to feel that they are members of the worldwide Muslim community.

Tell the child about the Five Pillars (described below).

SHAHADAH This Pillar is believing and saying the words: "There is no god except Allah, Muhammad is the messenger of Allah".

SALAH This Pillar is praying five times a day. There are set prayers which Muslims should say, and all Muslims should face Mecca in Arabia when praying, and should pray on a prayer mat. People should wash before they pray. There are fixed movements, which include kneeling with the forehead placed on the ground in front. This expresses the servant status of the human being in relation to Allah.

ZAKAH Each year Muslims are supposed to give a fixed proportion of their savings for endeavours such as helping the poor. In this way their wealth is made pure.

SAWM Refraining from food and drink during the month of Ramadan during daylight hours.

HAJJ This is making a pilgrimage to Makkah at least once in your life, if it can be afforded.

(Author unknown)

Advice for every Muslim mother

What advice can you give a practicing Muslim lady for her to bring up her children in an Islamic way, and what are the steps she requires to take in order to reduce the devilish impact of the modern society on her children?

The best quality any mother can teach her child is Taqwa (God-consciousness). That is to teach the child to be aware of Allah in every moment of his or her life. Once the child has this, his every action and thought will be for Allah. He or she will do the things that please Allah and will strive to avoid doing anything that displeases Him, such as cheat, lie, steal and so forth.

How to achieve this? The first step of Tarbiyah (education) starts when the child is still a baby. It is essential to continuously say to the child, for example, "Allah made this, masha' Allah", when smelling a flower. And, "Subhanallah, Allah created this", when playing with the cat. And "Allahu Akbar, Allah made the sky", when you are contemplating the sky, stars, clouds and so forth. By praising and glorifying Allah, and saying "Allah made this... Allah made that.." you will be affirming these facts for your child. When he or she grows up, these concepts will stay with the child. He will be constantly repeating them in his mind and heart. In this way, you will be creating an awareness that Allah created everything around us.

How often the child uses these affirmations and how extensive these affirmations are, depends on how often you say it to your child and how varied your affirmations are. You will be pleasantly surprised one day when your child walks past a flower, bends over and says "Masha Allah, Allah made this," or when he or she is playing on the grass, looks up and says, "Allahu Akbar, Allah made it," without a prompt from you. This is the first step to create an awareness of Allah. Having reached this, the process of teaching the child about praying, reciting the Qur'an and so forth, becomes easy.

Another step to take is to provide Islamic models for your child. These models include the Prophets, Companions, Muslim heroes, scholars and famous figures in the Islamic history. Read or tell these stories often to your child. Children love stories and they need to have someone whom they can look up to and copy. So by telling and retelling these Islamic moral stories you will be providing your child with a set of attitudes and behaviours which he/she can copy and follow.

If the above two steps were carried out when your child is young and, and are continued throughout his/her life, they will insha Allah, help build his/her character to be good. Hence, when faced with the bad influences of modern society, he/she will be able to choose the right path to follow since he/she is aware of Allah and has models to follow.

(author unknown)

They are what you make of them…

They are what you make of them…

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said,"No father has given a greater gift to his children than good moral training." (Tirmidhi)

Children are like sponges – eagerly taking in every drop of knowledge that comes their way. They soak up everything they see & hear & learn by watching and observing the adults around them. Modelling what they see is how they learn to grow into adults. They do not have inner instructions to go by and they must take it from the world - what they need to learn to survive in society.

Children learn what they live and we are modelling what their future behaviour will be. We can get an idea of what we are imparting to them by looking at their behaviour. If you notice any disruptive behaviour your child might have, look at your own behaviour in the house or where your child spends much of their time when away from home. If for example, when your child is faced with difficulties with siblings or peers, they yell and holler to resolve disputes then it is most likely that this type of behaviour is exhibited by their care takers when faced with similar situations. If you honour manners and courteous behaviour in your household, then you will see your child will do the same. This is more proof that our children are learning what they are living. They look to their environment and the people in it to build what they need to live. Look at who your child is and who he spends his time most with and you will figure out who to commend or who to reprimand for teaching your child what he has learned.

Our duty is to model to our children what we believe they need in the world. Once this is accomplished, the odds are they will follow your lead. They watch listen and follow so be certain your steps are leading in the right direction! If you merely offer lip-service and don’t do as you say, then your actions will speak volumes more than your words.

Having a role model is also an important aspect of a child’s life. They can either be the parents, grand-parents, or sometimes people they do not know personally. Role models can be powerful influences in their lives. They teach them many things. They help them learn who they are, where they come from and where they’re going. Children can copy the behaviour/way of life, and follow the things they say and do. Good role models teach good behaviours and values of living…the right from wrong and how to treat people and things around them.

In my opinion, the best role model a child could ever ask for is the Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon Him). It is incumbent upon each and every believer to obey and follow the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) if they hope for paradise and the pleasure of Allah (swt). He was sent by Allah (swt) as a mercy to all of mankind, to guide them from the darkness of Jahiliyyah to the light of Islam – through the instructions, teachings and practice of the Qur’an and Sunnah. He was sent as a teacher – a role model – for all of mankind. He is the source of guidance and the most reliable, trusted and loved. The Prophet (PBUH) had the best personality, characteristics and morals. His daily life was a living illustration and explanation of the Qur’an. He did and said everything in accordance to the teachings of the Qur’an and his life is the reflection of the Shariah of Allah. He maintained the best characteristics in his roles as a father, husband, friend, ruler, governor, teacher, statesman, protector of the weak, widows and poor, a guide to the rich, a guardian to the orphans and above all a servant to Allah (swt). No one can every equal the Prophet (PBUH) in the whole history of mankind. He stands head and shoulders above all other human beings in nobility of his character and piety of his soul.

If we inculcate the love for the Prophet (PBUH) in the hearts of our little ones and encourage them to strive to be like him, then nothing will come between them and Paradise and they will surely excel both in this life and the hereafter. Insha Allah!

Nurturing a Parent-Child Relationship and types of Parent-Child Relationships

The following article is not solely written by me but is a summary of various articles I have read on the topic. When reading about things pertaining to child rearing I tend to take ‘notes’ and this is one of them.

Nurturing a Parent-Child Relationship and types of Parent-Child Relationships

While exploring the field of the ‘perfect’ parent-child relationship I came to realize that there really isn’t a clear set of rules that can be laid down in order to strike gold but it’s a cocktail of things that increases your chances of being ‘different’ and maintain a strong bond of togetherness and closeness over the years to come.

The type of relationship you have with your child from the time he is an infant plays a vital role in shaping his future and how he is going to be with people around him and with his family when he is older. What you have experienced over the years as a child is what you will impart to your child and if you intend on doing things differently then you need to put in that extra effort in order to break the cycle. Times change and so do parenting techniques. But there are certain fundamentals that remain intact and play a vital role in shaping a child’s future.

Let’s begin by first summarizing the different types of relationships/attachment a parent can have with a child and the characteristics of a child who is in that particular type of relationship. This will enable us to place ourselves in either one of the categories and can be a starting point for making a change if need be.

From an early age, the way a parent responds to his child’s needs leads to one of the four types of attachment categories. The strongest kind of attachment is called “secure”. In a secure relationship the child feels he can depend solely on his parents for his needs and expects to be supported and tended to. The child learns to be confident and independent. Adults can work towards developing this relationship by:

• Being consistent while responding to their needs
• Responding in a loving/caring manner when the child cries
• Offer support and consolation when the child is afraid and help them overcome their fears.
• Share in their feelings of excitement and accomplishment & making them feel worthwhile.

Advantages:

• The child feels safe exploring the world
• Does not always want to be right next to the care-giver
• Knows that she can always return to the parent when she needs to

The next type of attachment is “avoidant”. Children belonging to this kind of parenting relationship have learned that depending on their parent for their needs won’t get them the secure feeling they yearn for and hence in the process learn to look after themselves. These children can appear to be overly independent. The following parenting behavior leads to this type of relationship:

• Not responding immediately to their needs
• Letting the child deal with their fears and insecurities and not offering support on a regular basis.
• Not expressing happiness/excitement when the child exhibits the same and instead ignoring or brushing away as childish behavior

Drawbacks:

• The child hesitates in asking for help and gets frustrated easily.
• Can be aggressive at times
• Fail to build strong relationships with their parents and loved ones
• Try to care for themselves almost all the time.

The third type of attachment is called “ambivalent”. Children belonging to this kind of parenting relationship have learned that sometimes their needs are met while other times they are not. They notice what gets their parents attention and tend to use it over and over, always in search of that secure feeling that they get from time to time. The following type of parenting behavior leads to this kind of relationship:

• Being inconsistent while responding to their needs.
• When a child expresses fear, it is sometimes ignored whereas other times they are overly comforted.
• When the child is excited they do not understand the child’s excitement or do not respond in an appropriate manner.

Drawbacks:

• Child becomes very clingy
• Tend to act younger than they are and are over-emotional
• Often cry, get frustrated easily and love being the centre of attention
• Have a hard time being independent and get upset if not given attention
• Seem to latch on to everyone for short periods of time

The fourth type of attachment is called “disorganized”. Children belonging to this kind of parenting relationship do not know what to expect from their parents. This means that they have all learned ways of getting what they want, and it may not necessarily be the best way. This is because the child has learned to sometimes predict his parents’ reaction – whether negative or positive and is aware of responses that can be expected by certain types of behavior. The following type of parenting behavior leads to this kind of relationship:

• Parents rarely respond to their needs, especially when the child is an infant.
• If the parent does respond, it usually doesn’t fit
• Prevalent in families where there is some kind of maltreatment or neglect
• Is also common among families where any one or both the parents are suffering depression.

Drawbacks:

• Child often does things that make no sense.
• Speaks really fast and is hard to understand.
• Have a hard time showing empathy towards others
• Seem different from day to day.

Disorganized attachment can be of two types:

1. Controlling – were the child tends to be extremely bossy
2. Care-giving – treats others in a childish way – acting like a parent.

Having pointed out the basic differences in types of parent-child relationships it’s important to mention that every child is unique and different. They can have varying interests, needs and behaviors. These dissimilarities make different treatment appropriate on some occasions. Lastly, the quality of a parent child relationship appears to be much more affected by the child’s perception rather than the parent’s opinion.

A Tribute to Motherhood

This is also due to be published in our family magazine. I wrote it when I was expecting our second little bundle of joy.

Job Description: Motherhood

- Full Time

- On Call 24/7

- May Sleep on night shift, no longer than two hours at one time

- Must be able to Multi-task

And we have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command), "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal. (Qur’aan 31:14)

This article is dedicated to all those mothers out there - the ones who have embarked on this journey for the first time, and for those who have been mothers for a while. You are all doing a wonderful job, a job that none other can do as well as you and you need to give yourself a pat on your back for being the best mother in the whole wide world, and the role model your child will always look up to and want to be like. No matter what, you will always be their first love.

The role of a mother is aptly defined in the following quote by Washington Irving:

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavour by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."

Motherhood gives you the opportunity to experience loving someone more than you love yourself. "Love" now has greater depth and meaning to it. You start to experience joy and pain through someone else's life and every little accomplishment brings happiness and pride to your heart and touches you in ways no one else can. It sure does have its fair share of heartaches and tears but it teaches you hope and patience. The innocent laughter fills your heart with delight. Those hugs, with their tiny hands wrapped around you, the wet kiss on your cheek and the cuddling up and sleeping next to you in the wee hours of the morning - fill your heart with warmth and make you feel like the luckiest person alive. No ones dreams and aspirations mean as much to you as those of your child and every good time you've shared become precious treasures that you yearn to relive - again and again. No wealth can live up to those moments and it is all such an over-whelming experience. Your child is nothing but a part of you and no matter what happened in the past or what the future holds, you will always be accepting, forgiving, and appreciative and show unconditional love. Being a mother means you are gifted with one of life's greatest gifts - your child!

Being a mother makes you think and do things in ways you would have never dreamt of and everyday is a learning curve for both you and your child. There are no boring bits, and every achievement - big or small brings immense happiness and contentment to your hearts and redefines your relationship and further strengthens it. As mothers we have to watch everything we do and think twice before our every action, because we have two keen eyes full of innocence looking up to us and watching our every move. In due time we come to realise, that what we are is what our child will grow up to be and how we deal with life's challenges and tackle the problems that come our way will be imitated by our child when she is older. How we do this is left up to us, but the mere realisation of this huge responsibility that has been laid on our shoulders makes us re-evaluate our lives and in due course makes us better individuals.

The daily experiences of wonderment with my child, with her constant "What's that?" and her breathless excitement at the sound of birds or the wind in the trees or the plane overhead are downright precious. In spending time introducing her to sunshine and ants and to ideas like generosity, compassion and patience, I hope and pray that I teach her to be a good person and I know how lucky I am to be the one doing it.
It's only now that I fully appreciate what my mother did for my sister and me - her extraordinary energy and endless patience, teaching us to be confident, honest, happy people with a sense of responsibility and her constant prayers that have always followed us and clung to us all our life. I don't think I could have acknowledged and appreciated all that she did for me and all the sacrifices she made and the hardship she endured for our sake, if it wasn't for me being in her shoes right now! I thank Allah over and over for blessing me with a mother and giving me the opportunity to experience the immense love and comfort I feel in her arms.

We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: In pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth. The carrying of the (child) to his weaning is (a period of) thirty months. At length, when he reaches the age of full strength and attains forty years, he says, "O my Lord! Grant me that I may be grateful for Thy favour which Thou has bestowed upon me, and upon both my parents, and that I may work righteousness such as Thou mayest approve; and be gracious to me in my issue. Truly have I turned to Thee and truly do I bow (to Thee) in Islam."(Qur’aan 46:15)

With the changing world and with the advancements made in various aspects, sadly there has been a change in thinking amongst people with regards to motherhood and being a 'full-time mom'. Now having a baby is considered a means of taking "time off" from life, when in reality it is life! I still find it hard to understand what "life" they refer to because to me being a mother is the most rewarding career anyone could have and I don't see why people would want to make it such a taboo when a woman gives up her "career" to become a full-time mother. Rest assured, I doubt society will continue to be as 'advanced' and 'civilised' as it is now, if all mothers handed their babies away and pursued their careers.

Alhamdulilah for the high status assigned to mothers in Islam. I thank Allah immensely for guiding us and blessing us with this wonderful deen - this way of life where everything is laid down for us. If it wasn't for the reward that awaits those that are patient, and obey their Lord, I am sure we would all have gone astray and fallen victim to so called "ideals" and "rules" that are laid down by the ever changing society we live in.

I pray to Allah to give us the ability to be the best role models for our children and to help us in rearing them to be true followers of His deen and may our endeavours be a means of us entering Jannah and may He bless our children with the best in this life and the next, Ameen.

"O our Lord! Cover (us) with Thy Forgiveness - me, my parents, and (all) Believers, on the Day that the Reckoning will be established! (Qur’aan 14:41)

The sweetest little gift… my angel

This is an article I wrote when my first child was a few months old. It was published in our family magazine.

The sweetest little gift…My angel

On the 14^th of October at 2:14 am Allah (swt) blessed us with a beautiful little angel – my baby girl. This tiny little angel with her long lashes and perfect lips had finally arrived to fill our hearts with happiness, and touch our lives with love. She lay there looking at me in the eyes, so calm and peaceful. Here she was, finally in my arms, so enchanted, innocent and sweet. From the minute I saw her I couldn’t help but be grateful to Allah (swt) to have blessed me so abundantly.

This little baby has added color to our lives, stealing our hearts and bringing us joy. I never imagined that something so tiny, so small, so shy could make a man as big as her daddy cry. But the tears were always tears of joy, every time he gazed at his little sweetie pie.

The trusting first smile she gave me made me feel as though I’ve won the greatest prize. She looked so adorable and all I did was hold her in my arms and tell her how lucky I was to have been blessed with a little miracle of life. As I watch her grow and change, I feel richer with every smile and look of love she has on her tiny face.

I love her more each day and I could sit and watch her laugh and coo for hours every day! No words can really express how much I love her and how my world is fuller now that I have her. I can’t help but embrace her and give her all that she deserves.

She’s a composite picture of giggles and tears. Her tantrums, excitements, amusements and fears keep us all on our toes. She’s a bundle of mischief and often a tease and sometimes so moody that she’s not easy to please!

It’s fun to hold and cuddle her and tickle her little feet. I love to hear her chuckle when I do a little feat. It’s fun to dress her up and show her off to everyone I know!

My little precious in no time will not be so little anymore, and it aches my heart to think of when she grows up and will have to leave us and go.

Oh Allah, we ask you for your guidance, to help us raise our children as a pious Muslims and make them strong in their deen. Oh Allah, bless our children and protect them from all harm and the evil eye. Oh Allah, forgive our sins, accept our prayers, and grant us a place in paradise! Ameen.

Building self-esteem in your child

A very informative article. I benefited heaps from reading it and it helped me change a lot of my parenting techniques. Needless to say, I have seen an improvement and I am glad that I came across this article sooner than later. Sometimes we tend to do things a certain way which seems right to us but little do we realise the damage we are causing which doesn't become apparent until it's too late. So gentle reminders such as these from time to time can help us stay focused and keep us on track.

Building self-esteem in your child

A feeling of self-worth lays the foundation for your child's future as he sets out to try new things on his own. "Self-esteem comes from having a sense of belonging, believing that we're capable, and knowing our contributions are valued and worthwhile," says California family therapist
Jane Nelsen.

"As any parent knows, self-esteem is a fleeting experience," says Nelsen. "Sometimes we feel good about ourselves and sometimes we don't. What we are really trying to teach our kids are life skills like resiliency." Your goal as a parent is to ensure that your child develops pride and self-respect — in himself and in his cultural roots — as well as faith in his ability to handle life's challenges.

Here are ten simple strategies to help boost your child's self-esteem:

• Give unconditional love - A child's self-esteem flourishes with the kind of no-strings-attached devotion that says, "I love you, no matter who you are or what you do." Your child benefits the most when you accept him for who he is regardless of his strengths, difficulties, temperament, or abilities. So, lavish him with love. When you do have to correct your child, make it clear that it's his *behavior *— not him — that's unacceptable. Label the behavior, NOT the child!
• Pay attention- Carve out time to give your child your undivided attention. That does wonders for your child's feelings of self-worth because it sends the message that you think he's important and valuable. Make eye contact so it's clear that you're really listening to what he's saying.
• Teach limits - Establish a few reasonable rules for your child. Knowing that certain family rules are set in stone will help him feel more secure. Just be clear and consistent and show him that you trust him and expect him to do the right thing.
• Support healthy risks -Encourage your child to explore something new. Let your child safely experiment, and resist the urge to intervene. You'll build his self-esteem by balancing your need to protect him with his need to tackle new tasks.
• Let mistakes happen - The flip side, of course, of having choices and taking risks is that sometimes your child is bound to make mistakes. Acknowledging and recovering from your mistakes sends a powerful message to your child— it makes it easier for your child to accept his own difficulties.
• Celebrate the positive - Everyone responds well to encouragement, so make an effort to acknowledge the good things your child does every day within his earshot. Be specific, for eg: Instead of saying "Good job," say, "Thank you for setting the table for dinner." This will enhance his sense of accomplishment and self-worth and let him know exactly what he did right.
• Listen well - If your child needs to talk, stop and listen to what he has to say. He needs to know that his thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions matter. By accepting his emotions without judgment, you validate his feelings and show that you value what he has to say.
• Resist comparisons - Comments such as "Why can't you be more like your brother?" or "Why can't you be nice like Evan?" will just remind your child of where he struggles in a way that fosters shame, envy, and competition. Even positive comparisons, such as "You're the best player" are potentially damaging because a child can find it hard to live up to this image. If you let your child know that you appreciate him for the unique individual he is, he'll be more likely to value himself too.
• Offer empathy - If your child compares himself unfavorably to his siblings or peers show him empathy and then emphasize one of his strengths. This can help your child learn that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and that he doesn't have to be perfect to feel good about himself.
• Provide encouragement- Encouragement means acknowledging progress — not just rewarding achievement. So if your child is struggling with a math problem, say: "You're trying very hard and you almost have it!" instead of "Not like that. Let me do it."

There's a difference between praise and encouragement. One rewards the task while the other rewards the person. Praise can make a child feel that he's only "good" if he does something perfectly. Encouragement, on the other hand, acknowledges the effort. Too much praise can sap self-esteem because it can create pressure to perform and set up a continual need for approval from others. So dole out the praise judiciously and offer encouragement liberally; it will help your child grow up to feel good about himself.

Self-Esteem

So what is self-esteem? And how important is it in a persons life? Is it OK to occasionally feel down and think negative about yourself or is that a sign of low self-esteem? What can you do to improve your self-esteem?

Self-esteem is all about how you see yourself as a person.

It's not about telling yourself and others about how good you are or trying to prove yourself by putting other people down. It's not about putting yourself down and feeling that you are no good.

Most people have times when they feel bad about themselves, but that's the time to start the positive thinking going and to work out how to learn from mistakes and be happy about the good things that are still happening in their lives.

People who have high self-esteem are not only happy in themselves but are fun to be around, have friends, can be trusted, are full of life and care about themselves and others.

So talk yourself into inviting high self-esteem into your life.

Here's an excerpt I found quite informative that sums it up nicely:

Creating a secure base

The California Task Force to Promote Self-Esteem and Personal and Social Responsibility found that families have a strong influence on self-esteem, and the early years are especially important in creating a strong foundation for self-esteem. They also found that school climate and achievement at school play important roles, and that high self-esteem leads to less teenage pregnancy and personally harmful behaviours.

Along with other researchers, the task force noted that strategies for building self-esteem need to be related to real activities, attributes and achievements rather than centring on self-esteem as the goal—praise and encouragement needs to be meaningful to be effective.

They conclude that:

'Writers and researchers show general although by no means complete agreement on the preconditions necessary for someone to demonstrate high self-esteem. Among the commonly used terms are: security, connectedness, uniqueness, assertiveness, competence and spirituality.'

All of these attributes come initially from a child's home but can also be encouraged by carers in the different settings of child care, preschool, school etc.

Security and connectedness come from knowing that there is someone who is a 'safe base'; someone who can be relied on for warmth, support, comfort and help. It is important for very young children, who don't understand concepts such as time and separation, for there to be one or more people they know they can depend on to be there for them.

Useful Weblinks: Parenting & Child Health - Self Esteem, ReachOut

Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

On the topic of making your child tough enough to face the wild winds of life, I've always been intrigued by the topic of emotional intelligence. It's not only something we need to pay attention to while raising children but also for ourselves. It's never too late to make ammends, and life is always going to be a learning curve for us all. EQ may prove to be the most valuable form of intelligence your child masters in this lifetime. When I looked at this particular aspect of my childs growth, it opened many doors for us and strengthened her abilities to deal with obstacles.

Here's something I found:

'Emotional Intelligence' this new buzzword was coined by Yale psychologists Peter Salovey and the University of New Hampshire's John Mayer to describe qualities like understanding one's own emotions, empathy for the feelings of others, and managing one's emotions. In addition to grade point average, IQ, and other standardized testing, emotional intelligence (EQ) is being described as a new and better way of measuring an individual's chance of success in life. The higher your EQ, the greater your ability to manage your feelings and deal effectively with others, the greater your chances are for a happier life.

How Can You Improve Your EQ?

1.Take responsibility for your emotions and your happiness.

2. Examine your own feelings rather than the actions or motives of other people.

3. Develop constructive coping skills for specific moods. Learn
to relax when your emotions are running high and to get up and move when you are feeling down.

4. Make hunting for the silver lining a game. Look for the
humor or life lesson in a negative situation.

5. Be honest with yourself. Acknowledge your negative feelings, look for their source, and come up with a way to solve the underlying problem.

6. Show respect by respecting other people's feelings.

7. Avoid people who invalidate you or don't respect your
feelings.

8. Listen twice as much as you speak.

9. Pay attention to non-verbal communication. We communicate with our whole selves. Watch faces, listen to tone of voice, and take note of body language.

10. Realize that improving your EQ will take time and patience.

Copyright (c) 1999 by Edel Jarboe. All Rights Reserved.

Emotional Intelligence For Children

How do we identify Emotional Intelligence
One of the simple tests administered to young children involves postponing fulfillment in order to receive a bigger reward. The researcher puts a marshmallow on the table and tells the child he can either eat it now or wait until the researcher comes back with a second marshmallow, then eat both. A child who is able to control bodily appetites long enough to earn the bigger reward is considered to be more emotionally intelligent.

If you would like to exercise your child's EQ, here are some ideas you may want to try.

• Practice Start/Stop games. For example, "Let's run to the corner, but listen carefully to me... Start! Stop!" Games such as these (Red Light / Green Light is a classic example) allow a child to practice exerting control over his whole body.

• The next step is to institute the "Freeze" command as part of your daily interaction. The trick with the "Freeze" command is to use it just as much for fun as for work. Say "Freeze" then kiss your child. Say "Freeze" then give him a treat. The "Freeze" game work when it's used for positive rewards just as much as it's used as a tool.

• Teach your child to recognize what he wants. One of the key aspects of emotional intelligence is identifying feelings, needs, wants, etc. Say often, "What are you feeling?" and model it too. Instead of directly scolding your child, say, "I'm so angry right now!" Name the emotions, whatever they may be, and encourage your child to do the same. Practice stating what you really want and encourage your child to do the same. Try to discuss things casually and extensively so you can find out what your child really wants.

• Practice patience. This is a skill that needs to be done slowly, consistently, over a long period of time. Every now and then, when your child is in a good mood and can handle it, practice patience. For example, if your in line at a store, tell your child, "Hey, let's practice patience" or "Let's flex our patience muscles. Wow, you're getting strong!" Name the skill. Talk about what it means, how patience can be "short" or "long", how sometimes patience can be "used up". Talk about ways to develop patience and give examples: earning a toy slowly over a period of days or weeks, waiting to play with a friend, saving up money for college and other examples that may have meaning for your child.

How does reading improve emotional intelligence?

Early reading experiences can pave the way for children to learn to cope with emotions and to develop skill in interpersonal relationships. That foundation will aid them in succeeding in school and work later in life.

• Books expose children to a variety of people, attitudes and experiences that mirror real life. They help them understand what others think and feel and do every day. In learning to identify the emotions of characters in stories, they begin to understand their own feelings and the emotions of others as well.

• Reading gives children words with which to express themselves. Children who can state what they feel are less inclined to act out, become depressed, or express their feelings through bodily symptoms such as headaches and stomach aches.

• Stories often show positive and negative behaviors, conflicts, dilemmas and the resolution of problems in relationships. They give children strategies to work out similar issues in their own lives.

• Books can inspire and teach by example. Stories of famous people and heroes can illustrate positive qualities such as perseverance, hard work, and determination to overcome obstacles. Having a role model often motivates children to set goals and succeed at achieving them.

My Random Thoughts...

Assalamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakatuhu,
(May the Peace, Mercy and Blessings of Allah be upon you)

I always wondered what it would be like to be a mother...to nurture a child and give them all you have. I never really understood the true meaning of being a mother until I gave birth to my first child in 2005. It was a life changing moment and I came to realise that being a mother wasn't merely caring for the physical needs of a little being but was something much deeper.

Over the years I've overcome many hurdles and have had my fair share of achievements and failures. Parenting is a learned skill, and it takes time to get the 'hang' of things and feel confident in what you are doing and where you are headed. Not to mention that the ocean of knowledge and conflicting remarks/comments thrown at you makes it harder for you to see clearly. It' still very early, I have a long way to go, a challenging future awaits me and I am keen on continuing on this beautiful journey called motherhood.

I created this blog so I could let the thoughts flow out of me and share it with people around me. It's always nice to hear what someone else thinks of a situation you are faced with, as they usually tend to look at it from outside the circle and see the things that you have missed out and it gives you a broader understanding and helps you make a much better well informed decision.

As a practicing Muslim living in the west, trying to balance between religion and western lifestyle is a challenge faced by all. Raising children in the west is a messy affair. It is easy to get drawn into the realm of things and move towards extremes. In order to make sure we have the right tools it is a requirement that parents themselves should have a strong Muslim identity. Only then can we move towards imparting the essentials and helping our children develop their identity - as a muslim in the west. This realisation of being 'different' shouldn't be done in a way as to create hostility towards the western society as a whole but to teach them to intergrate without letting go of who they are and what they represent. Being a responsible individual first, with ideals and working towards achieving your goal and not losing sight of your ultimate abode - Jannah.

In order for you to have a lasting impact on your childs mind, it is important for you to have a healthy parent-child relationship. Your child should feel secure and content in your company and should be able to speak his mind without having any fears. A good parent-child relationship comprises of love and respect towards each other. To establish this bond, is the sole responsibility of the parent and it can be done only by giving their children unconditional love, which then generates in children love, respect and obedience for the parents. I'd like to stress on the importance of expressing this to your child at every available opportunity. Merely loving your child but not letting them know of it is not the way to go. Children desperately need our acceptance and love. You need to embrace them and give them your complete attention despite your busy schedules. They need to feel important and wanted. They need to know that we are there to share life with them and help them to be happy with the unique little person they are. The best way to get them to do something is by doing it ourselves. As goes the age old saying - practice what you preach! You will realise that by just mirroring the behavior that you expect from them is enough to teach them to do the same.

The nature of this unconditional love does not mean continuously pampering the child and giving in to all their wishes. Love is rather a deep concern for the well-being and happiness of the child which manifests itself in softness when softness is needed and in firmness when firmness is needed. They need to learn to deal with dissapointments and to obey their parents and respect their decisions. The world isn't a bed of roses, and in order to make them tough enough to put up with the challenges they are faced with they need to be 'trained' to overcome their emotions and act rationally. It is important for us to be in control of our emotions and avoid any negative emotions. Children are much more aware of their parents real feelings and if a parent has revengful thoughts towards them, they are likely to react negatively to what the parent is telling them.